my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
