My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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