I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
