god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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