Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
