New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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