my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
wow bdsm is so cute
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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