i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
