the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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