You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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