Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
A bitchslap is in order.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
