you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
