Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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