I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
