you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
