Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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