I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
