I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
