if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize