When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
