if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
