Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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