nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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