if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
