I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
