dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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