And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize