Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
