My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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