It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
