i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Operation Purity has been aborted
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
