You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
