Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
