when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
