Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
