Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
