So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
