Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize