i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
