her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
