My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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