I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
How does it feel to date your dad?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
