Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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