Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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