awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
