Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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