sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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