Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
