Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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