Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
