be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I will be naked everywhere
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
