I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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