so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
