I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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