remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
