Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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