so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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